BY LINDEL MASHUMBA
Picture the beach without the soft warm sand that tickles our toes every time our feet make contact. Or the sky that’s ever so gloomy without the sun to brighten up.
That was me, only just a few weeks ago. Walking towards a sloppy cliff blindfolded, the only certainty there was my death. However, before we talk about what is, let us talk about what was.
I grew up in a Christian home. Every Sunday was a ritual to me. Wake, do your chores, dress up real pretty and go to church. To me Christianity was a duty, something I practiced when my mother was looking. Every single sermon to me talked about “the love of God” and that eventually became a song in my head. “God loves you so much He sent His son to die for you,” they all said. You see, the problem was not what was being said but my attitude. I had some reservations and opinions about who God was supposed to be.
I never understood what the fuss was. I went to church all the time and came back home the same. How do you tell me that He changed your life when I am still thinking the same? Same old me, same old thoughts. See, to me, the change was supposed to be instant. That moment the pastor laid hands on me and started speaking a language I did not understand, I expected to see the change instantly but we all know that sanctification is not like making instant noodles. What I am saying is that some take time. Everything works with God’s timing. My miracle, my transformation was not meant to zoom into my life. It is a process.
Fast forward to a few months ago. I stepped into this pretty, picturesque school. I was going to be in this place for the next 5 years! I was alone, in a foreign land, a million miles away from home. It was time to grow up. It was time to tap into adulthood. Honestly, my expectations were to party all weekend smoke some weed here and there, date a hot, sexy looking person and hoped to get married to him eventually. My expectations did not meet reality!
The first week of school, I met a lovely young lady from Kenya who invited me to some church fellowship. I couldn’t say no. I actually really wanted to go so that I can tell my mum that I had found a church. This was just to get her off my back; she would never let me breathe when it came to worshipping at the time ‘HER GOD’. I remember walking towards the door of that room (where the fellowship was held) and being introduced to someone who I actually thought was cute but now happens to be my spiritual father (LOL) he talked to me all evening. Being female, my mind started to conceive some funny ideas. I had a boyfriend at that time. This person was not “very Christian” so of course our relationship only functioned on a worldly level. However, that is a story for another day.
I recall walking into that room and being overwhelmed by the love I got. By the way, I just want to appreciate the deco team!! #shoutout! I do not remember the sermon that day but that is the day I decided to give this church thing another chance and to see that it had to offer. Maybe, just maybe they would show me a different God, different from the one I knew back home.
For the first half of the semester, I was happy. I went to church every Sunday. I joined the ushering team. I thought I had understood what was being taught. I was happy. Well, I thought I was. Felt I was! One thing I forgot was that feelings change, they fade. That feeling of happiness? Yeah, that fades, it faded! I woke up one day and BOOM! I was no longer happy. I became depressed. Moody! Cried myself to sleep every night. I felt more alone than before. Empty. It felt like a piece of me was missing. That was the last straw; I decided I never want to do this “GOD thing” again. If he really was there for me, why was I feeling this way? Why was I so alone when He said he would never leave me? I could not feel him. I eventually I could not hear him. I was walking in a cloud. Yes in not on. I literally was in those heavy thick clouds with thunder bursting my eardrums and lighting flashing before me at all times. I was sad. Lost. My vision was clouded. Blurry. Everything around me was foggy.
I got mad at anybody who tried to tell me about God’s love because I never felt it. I became bitter. Mad at the world. Felt like nothing. Went back home for winter vacation and came back even worse. This school depressed me. Every feeling that I bottled up came flooding back in.
Before I came to school, a close relative of mine rapped me three times. I never gave myself time to feel the pain because I had to grow up and lead by example, as I am the first of three girls. I lost my grandma during the same period, the only person I believed loved me so much but I did not get a chance to grieve because at her funeral my cousin tried to rape me.
I became sexually active at 18 because part of me felt that I needed to give men sex for them to truly love me. I was broken on the inside. My heart was bleeding. Men became my masters. Please them make them happy and they will love you. At that time, I was also in a relationship with someone who was also scared of loving. Therefore, even if I gave him my all he was incapable of loving me the way I wanted because he himself did not know how. We basically, were just two messed up people on a sinking ship with no way out. I was not happy. My life was meaningless. I started having suicidal thoughts again. Thought maybe me dying would make the world a better place.
One day I got a text from someone so dear to me. She graduated last semester and I actually never got a chance to get to know her as much I would have loved to. She was one of those sweet, funny people that made you feel warm every time you were around them. She just wanted to see if I was okay. She had missed me. At first, I was hesitant because even though she was really close to my heart we never got to talk much when she was here. So, at first when she reached out I was a bit more reserved. Replied to her messages maybe a few times in a day. “What could we possibly talk about?” I always used to ask myself. However, she always, always found a way of making me comfortable. Eventually a few texts a day turning into phone calls. we got pretty close. She was very patient with me. Tried to talk to me about God but I was stubborn. That went on for a while. What is funny is that God never gives up. He decided to bring a second person into my life. Another graduate as well. Super cool super chilled and God loving. Her presence used to intimidate me because the first time I met her she was preaching at a conference we had at church. I only used to compliment her when I saw her but I kept my distance. I had to have a relationship with her because she was my spiritual dad’s spiritual mom. Yeah I know these equations. She approached me differently. Did not really talk much about God. She just loved me. Talked to me. Asked me what was up and that is how I warmed up to her. Eventually I also found myself opening up entirely to her I felt safe. But I was not badging. I still would not talk about God. I was mad at him. He and I were not friends at the time.
He decided to bring someone else into my life. Someone I relate to sooo much. This person hit to home run when it came to talking to me about God because he experienced almost everything I had gone through. It was like looking at another me except the only difference was he was walking in the light and I still couldn’t see from the darkness the overwhelmed me. He started slow. Called himself the voice of reason. I started spending time with him. Visited him more than I visited my at that time boyfriend. We became close. He gave me comfort. For him it was more profound because he was with me in person. Then one day he decided to give me an illustration. As I sat in the corner in his ever so blue room, he turned off all the lights and we were in complete darkness. He stood far from me. I could not see him. I could only trace his silhouette. Then he spoke. He said imagine I am God and you are you. You in the darkness just the two of you, you know you cannot see. The only way out is if you talk to the other person in the room with you. God has he hand reached out towards you. He is telling you to take it. Talk to him. If you do not, you will remain seated there in the darkness. Eventually you will stop hearing his voice, and then you will stop seeing him. That is when you will be truly alone and fully consumed by the darkness. What would you rather do? Talk to him and stand your ground until you are all alone and you do not know how to get out? Then he switched the lights on and that was it.
That got me thinking, the darkness is scary to be alone. I do not know the kind of monsters that lurk. That night I decided to finally talk to God. Not to my surprise, I still felt nothing. I gave up and continue with my life. He never gave up. He still loved me regardless of my decision.
Just a few days ago there was a worship conference being held at church. I did not want to go. I wanted to sleep in and enjoy the day. After all, it was a holiday and to me going to church would have wasted that day. My dear friend would not let me sleep in. He was willing to walk in the rain all the way to my dormitory to come get me so we go to church together. I am sure we all know how that turned out. I found myself seated; in one of those cushion chairs in the front row at Onnuri. With nothing but my bible. I had not even brought with me a book to take down notes. I was ready to seat there and doze as the first preacher of the way danced his way to the alter. I was not prepared; I was not expecting him to palpate my heart in any way from any angle. Then he started talking and every bone in my body shook. “Make a decision. And act on it”. he talked about everything I had been avoiding to do. Everything I had been hearing from my friends. He just repeated it. I decided it was time. Time to stop running. The second speaker came on; she too just made me quiver. before I knew it I was in a worship session. Screaming and yelling at God for everything I had gone through. My eyes swimming in the rivers of tears my body saw fit to produce. As I was screaming and in pain, my whole state suddenly changed. I felt indescribable peace. Something, someone was telling me all I needed to hear. “You’re loved, you’re beautiful. Precious. You mean to me more than you can ever imagine,” I cried more. The only difference was these tears were not coming from a place of hurt but from a place of peace.
From that day, I made the decision to follow God and choose him over everything. As I speak today, it has not been easy but I keep fighting. I still struggle with depression, and I still struggle with lust. I keep pressing on every single day because I know in the end I have something greater to gain. I am here to testify that there is a God out there who loves me. He is MY God. I would choose him over everything any day.
Be encouraged. God bless
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