BY DR. Bwalya Chalwe
My life before Christ , I lived a life full of regrets and mistakes. Lots of should have's n what could have beens. I did it so much that the present passed me by and became a could have. To me I had no present, no chance to change cause I was trapped in a prison of my past.
I wanted a new life a do over, erasing all my mistakes. Just being a totally different person. Every new year i told myself this time it will be different but a few months later be so deep in depression because i had failed to maintain the change again. So you can imagine when I got saved and realised I have a new life. Smh I did everything... I was so tired of being rejected and I figured if I do everything that's asked of me I'll be accepted and never have to be rejected again.
I had to please God even to the extreme. The latter kills but the spirit gives life. I followed the word of God without understanding the heart of God.
I did not want to make a mistake and be kicked out.( I have no idea what made me think like this ) I couldn't go back to my old life of isolation,depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts. If it meant making a fool of myself, so be it. Everything had to be perfect, I was going to be miss goody two shoes and nobody would mess this up for me. I would go to everything organised at church, attended every lecture for classes, every meeting, every service, prayer meeting etc. Its a good thing to do all this but I had a bad motive FEAR. Fear of missing out, being disobedient and getting punished, failure,being left behind and all sorts of fear.
You can imagine the amount of damage I left everywhere I went. The number of people I hurt. Most of whom were so close to me, all in a quest to be approved but by whom? I didn't realise that all this time I was thinking I'm trying to please God but I was trying to please the people around me.
The rejection I had experienced was rooted so deep it managed to masquerade itself even in my new life...
The fear of man puts a man in the position that's only to be filled by God and its a trap. I did all these things godly things and still didn't feel free. Why? Because the reason I was doing them was to be approved by man, not God. I wanted to be applauded.
I didn't know that but now I do. And I've made it my mission to only worship God and God alone.
I had some how twisted The truth by believing a lie about who God is.
The truth that he is a good father who loved me even when I was still a sinner. That he didn't love me just because I was changing but that in my current state he loves me. The truth that he accepts me as I am and that should be more important to me than any person's approval.
He knew I needed time to get rid of old habits and ways of thinking that had caused me pain but I wanted a quick fix like an addict. Something that would make me suddenly change.
I now know that he likes to take his time and cleanse every part leaving no stone unturned, no door unopened. But I had to trust him first and not do things in my own strength.
Proverbs 29:25
i thank Him for the transformation and His power that is working me.
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